you're not alone / the heart of music
January 21st, 2023
These last few months, I really found my way back to myself. Or, better yet, I should say that some very special people helped remind me of who I am, why I do what I do, and what kind of music and art I make. I have been thinking about the gravity of these affirmative experiences, and how vital it is as an artist to reach out to others to hear/see/respond to ideas you’ve had, and help propel them forward with suggestions, constructive criticism, collaboration, etc. Where are these systems outside of school/education? I personally recommend creating your own group/community, creating a mini-manifesto, and going from there.
We really are in a loneliness epidemic, and I think we have spent the better part of the last decade focusing on self-care, rather than turning the gaze outward to seek affirmative, meaningful, powerful experiences with others. There are invaluable takeaways from Adrienne Marie Brown’s Pleasure Activism, which centers a liberatory form of centering joy and pleasure as an autonomous act, harkening back to bell hooks all about love, but there is only so much we can do on our own.
In 2012 I lost some exceptionally wonderful friends, and out of necessity, I began to ask myself what could help provide a more pleasant, meaningful, and joyful winter. The result was “How To Survive Winter in New York” which has now been a living co-authored document with over 223 contributors since 2012. I like to visit it every winter and see new things I never would have thought about doing. While some links are NY-specific, the majority are not. Please feel free to spread it far and wide to someone who might need it.
I am deep deep deep in the throes of working on my next record and am occasionally coming up for air. I think I have to accept that I’m not one of these people who can just do nothing but studio work for weeks on end until the brain/body is decimated. Maybe I need to try different drugs! Probably not!
For this post, I wanted to encompass these little paragraphs with some of my favorite things to sing with others, which has been my solace for much of the last few years. Getting together to not only sing but also learn songs, to teach and practice them is a great joy for me. If you are in Berlin and would like to join in learning some vocal music, please email me and I will add you to the XOIR mailing list.
Lastly, may I ask you — what is it that you do in the morning and at night to take care of yourself? What kinds of rituals and practices do you anchor to, both in good times and bad? Do you pray? Doomscroll? Draft hate mail you never send? Do you sit and meditate and breathe? Cry??? (it's okay, crying is good!) Take baths? Hang yourself out a window and shake while screaming? Read? Journal? I would like to know and share it anonymously with others. Please fill out here:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/16YScZHNp3c4PoNuDs0FhqocXXfPu_s_zCIEMhVkUQ90/edit
I was talking with my therapist this last session about grief, and the unfortunate reality of having lost several friends pre-maturely over the years. While reverence drives so many of my projects, I still find it hard to actually mourn and be slow and patient with the mourning. We all process grief differently and on different timelines, but it is often something we think we have to go it alone. While there is immense importance to the autonomous process of grieving, I believe there is also great power in collective mourning, especially group singing (laments, keens, etc.).
Love,
Colin Self
P.S. If you are ever truly in crisis or are talking to someone who is, it can be very helpful to have these contacts handy.